[Hiring Manager (Dave, was it?)] [Byte Me Computing] [1422 Trumbull St Detroit, MI 48216]
Dear Dave (again not sure if this was your name),
I’m writing this cover letter to apply for the position of Media Operations Director at Byte Me Computing. I truly commend the value this company has brought to society, with its ground-breaking technological advancements in Artificial Intelligence. What specifically inspired me to apply for this position was your release of the brand new AI-talking-pocket-pussy-companion. Riveting stuff. Appreciate the Christmas discounts too- I got some for the niece and nephew.
The way the “Pocket-Companion” utilizes neural linguistic programming to mimic emotional intimacy really spoke to me—and to my nephew, Timmy, who hasn’t left his room since December 25th. I believe my background in chaotic neutral media management makes me the perfect candidate to scale this exciting technology to even more vulnerable demographics.
I’ve attached my resume below. If your name isn’t Dave, please forward this to the Dave-adjacent individual in charge of hiring.
Best, Steven Shills.
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PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY Visionary Media Disruptor with a 100% success rate in making HR departments “uncomfortable but impressed.” Expert in leveraging niche hardware (see: Byte Me’s recent holiday catalog) to drive engagement and family-wide trauma. Seeking to pivot into Media Operations to ensure Byte Me’s next release is even more successful.
CORE COMPETENCIES
- Strategic Gift Giving: Specialized in age-inappropriate tech distribution.
- Gaslighting: Expert level (I am 90% sure your name is Dave).
- AI Ethics: Optional.
- Crisis Management: Only for crises I personally initiated.
PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
Byte Me Computing (Manifesting this) | Media Operations Director | 2026 – Present
- Anticipated Achievement: Increase sales of the Pocket-Companion by 300% by marketing it as a “Homeschooling Assistant.”
- Anticipated Achievement: Successfully avoid all lawsuits related to the Christmas discount incident.
Independent Contractor | Chief Vibe Officer | 2020 – 2026
- Managed a high-volume portfolio of niece/nephew expectations, consistently over-delivering on “gifts they aren’t allowed to have.”
- Scaled a personal brand across Detroit by simply being “that person” at the local Trumbull St. coffee shops.
EDUCATION University of Detroit Mercy | B.A. in Media Studies
- Minor in Plausible Deniability
- Thesis: “The Industrial Revolution and its consequences for AI-based companionship.
Netscape Nina 